


It Must Be a Tuesday

by ButterflyGhost



Series: City on a Hill [3]
Category: Zombies Run!
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Characters aware they are in fanfic, Crack Fic, Gen, Gender-Neutral Runner Five, Humor, Silly, That should be 'humour' because ZR is British dagnabbit., very silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 14:24:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11128674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ButterflyGhost/pseuds/ButterflyGhost
Summary: It must be a Tuesday because someone's going to experiment on Five again. Hey Ho.





	It Must Be a Tuesday

**Author's Note:**

> It can't all be angst, can it?

“Not again.” Five groans. “Honestly, Veronica, do you have to experiment on me today? I’m running out of veins.”

“Well, I’m sorry, Five.” Veronica looks apologetic, but you can never tell with her. Maybe she is sorry, but she’s also pretty excited about it. Whatever she has planned she’ll probably describe as ‘fascinating.’ Sam will roll his eyes, tell her off and call her a Vulcan (again.) Veronica will pretend not to know or care what he’s talking about but be secretly flattered because she has a thing for Spock. (Endless reruns of Original Star Trek and the loss of Voyager are among the happier side effects of the Apocalypse. At least Five thinks so.) Five’s seen Veronica practising her Spock eyebrow lifts. It’s kind of cute.

“I’m glad you’re sorry,” Five grumbles. “I feel so reassured. You’re so trustworthy.”

The sarcasm goes right over Veronica’s head, which makes it less satisfying than it should be. “Oh, I’m _so_ glad you trust me. It _is_ rather fascinating though –” Five snorts and thinks _oh, great. I totally called it. When Veronica says ‘fascinating’ it means it’s going to hurt. Also, her grammar needs work. 'Fascinating' is non-gradable, why does she keep qualifying it with - oh, dagnabit. That's The Author editorialising. I hate The Author._ Veronica is now rabbiting on about brainwave activity, and she trots out ‘fascinating’ again. _Fascinating my @rse._ Five is probably going to describe whatever it is as _‘bleeping painful.’_

Well, it depends on what rating this fanfic is. There might be an actual swear allowed. Five’s not sure. There hasn’t been any sexual tension yet, so that’s a good sign. You can't trust The Author though. Last time things were gen right up until the last paragraph when she dropped in a surprise orgy with – well – pretty much every named character. Five still isn’t sure what exactly happened in that one. At least the scene faded to black before things got too sticky. It doesn’t help the confusion that Five hasn’t been assigned genitalia yet.

Never mind. The author’s a lunatic, that’s all. She’ll probably make this fic a sixteen so she can drop in the occasional fucking swear word. _Oh, she did. Thank God._ Sometimes a Five just needs to swear.

“So, you see it’s really important that we inject you with –”

“No it’s not.”

“It’s not?”

“It’s not important. It’s sadistic.” Five eyeballs the equipment suspiciously. Since it was described in the first paragraph it’s sprouted electrodes. Actually, it wasn't described in the first paragraph. It's been hinted at. That's even worse. It could be anything. It could grow _tentacles._  Given the way Five's day is going, it could turn into an Elder God. "Crap."

“It’s not sadistic.” Veronica pouts. She is _such_ a teenager. “It’s a trope.”

“A trope? It’s a big ass needle.” Five steps back nervously. “Actually, now it’s several big ass needles and – uh – is that a cattle prod?”

“I’m afraid so.”

“And a treadmill.”

“Yes.”

“And we’re doing this because?”

“Because...” Veronica pauses, then looks at the fourth wall questioningly. “Why are we doing this, exactly?”

The Author sighs. “Like you said. It’s a trope. Plus, it’s a Tuesday.”

“What’s that got to do with anything?” Five glares at The Author. “Don’t you have something better to do than inject me and electroprod me with whatever that thing is? Like, I don’t know, instead of torturing me you could give me a dick, or some boobs.”

“Or both,” Veronica says, helpfully. “That would be fascinating.”

Five is about to tell her off, then thinks about it. “Actually, you’re right.”

“I’m sorry,” The Author says. “I’m sure that would be fascinating, and maybe another time, but right now, Veronica, could you chain Five to the treadmill –”

"Chains?" Five squeaks and bats Veronica’s hand away. “Where the hell did the _chains_ come from?" Veronica opens her mouth to speak and Five wags a finger in her face, then glares at The Author. “I am making a formal protest about these working conditions.”

"Are you in a union?" Veronica asks. "Because your contract is quite clear - 'Five's role includes but is not limited to saving the world and regularly being subjected to torture and experimentation and mind-altering chemicals.'"

"Uhm," Five looks shifty. "I'm not in a union yet. I'm looking into it."

“Noted,” responds the Author. “Well, let me know when you find a union rep. In the meantime, let's just get on with it. And don’t blame me for the chains. Van Ark left them lying around in Season Two.”

“Oh. So he did.”

“Okay, Five.” Veronica is far too gleefully cheerful – she’s actually rubbing her hands together. “Hop up on the treadmill. This won’t take long.”

Five sighs and gets on the treadmill. “Oh, alright then. Chain me up, I know you want to.”

Veronica beams like Five’s her favourite toy. _Which I am,_ Five thinks, glumly, as the treadmill starts up and Veronica approaches with the big ass needles and cattleprod.

“Oh good. Now, just keep running. This won’t hurt a bit....”

_“Fuck!”_

Yeah, Veronica always was a lying little cow.

**Author's Note:**

> Blame nicolales on Rofflenet. She is the Phantom Muse of Abel, or should I say my Muse's 'enAbeler' when it comes to writing ZR total crackfic.


End file.
